Wexistence

I can’t remember the last time my husband gave me something for Valentine’s Day. But I remember all the weekends he’s let me sleep through while he does all the chores because he knows I’ve had a rough week. I remember all the little things he’s changed about his lifestyle to accommodate my OCD and assorted quirks. I remember that he skipped boys’ night out to rescue my younger brothers when their car broke down. I remember all the hours of traffic he’s braved to bring me somewhere so I wouldn’t have to commute or drive. I remember how he’s never asked anything of me and is just happy to be with me. In the five years we’ve been together he’s never given me flowers or a traditionally romantic gift. And I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

A follow-up to my previous post on the subject, for an article my friend Rej is writing for GMAnews.tv:

If/when you get married, which of the following will you do? Why?

a. Take your husband’s name
b. Keep using your father’s name
c. Hyphenate

I’ve chosen to keep my surname because it is tied to my history, my heritage and my identity. I’m not any less me because I got married. I’m not any less my husband’s wife because I didn’t take his surname. I suppose you could argue that I wouldn’t be any less me if I took my husband’s surname, but I’ve been Aissa the Individual much longer than I have been Aissa the Wife of Ryan.

I prefer to be known as Aissa the Individual, who incidentally is also the Wife of Ryan, as opposed to Aissa the Wife of Ryan, who incidentally also has her own identity that has nothing to do with his.

I briefly thought about hyphenating, and would’ve thus been known as Aissa the Individual and the Wife of Ryan, but decided that hyphens are too cumbersome for me. And a little self-important. I’m not Her Royal Highness Princess of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall. It’s not necessary for me to have all my names out on display like they’re royal titles.

I also think that keeping my birth name speaks to the dynamics of our relationship. We both think of our marriage as a partnership between equals. We don’t subscribe to traditional gender roles (he is not “head of the family” because he is the man, I am not the obedient and submissive wife in the readings of the Catholic nuptial mass). Neither is subordinate to the other. We arrive at joint decisions by discussing things from positions of equal footing. We also place great importance on our respective individuality. We are not each other’s “better half”. We are whole individuals who recognize that while we have a life together, we also have friends, interests, activities etc. independent of each other.

What name will you use in your legal documents?

My birth name. (I dislike the term “maiden name” because it sounds so archaic.) Aside from the deeply rooted issues above, I just can’t be bothered with the paperwork necessary to legally change my name.

What is your profession? What name will you use professionally?

I do community development work. I intend to use my birth name professionally.

Did you discuss your decision with your boyfriend/fiancé? How does he feel about it?

Yes, and it’s not a big deal. He doesn’t have any strong feelings about it one way or the other, and more importantly, he respects my right to use whichever surname I prefer. He understands that to me, not adopting his surname speaks to our marriage as a partnership between equals and affirms the importance we place on individuality.

Does your mother use her husband’s name?

She does. For a while she used a hyphen but she found it cumbersome and eventually ended up using her husband’s surname.

Did you know that you’re not required by law to take your husband’s name?

Yup.

If you intend to keep using your maiden name, how do you intend to respond to all the people who ask ‘why’?

I will give them the answer to Question No. 1 and they will be sorry they asked.

Received through a social networking site:

Hi. Thanks for the time for at least reading my letter. I read your profile and you struck me as an interesting person.

I’ll be honest with you from the start about my status. I’m in a relationship right now but because there are people involved, I am choosing to remain in it even if my heart has no longer been in it for the longest time. I guess you can say life has dealt with me a 2nd best scenario if I can even call it that.

But I have so much to give emotionally speaking and, yes, romantically speaking as well. In my heart there is this void that has been there for quite a while now, and I must say I long to fill it up with the right person, someone who will accept my status and decide to pursue a relationship with me just the same. I have little demands given my situation. I only ask for time together when both of our schedules allow it. She may want to be exclusive with me or otherwise. I certainly have not the right to demand. I only ask that she be clean and safe at all times as I am, too.

About myself. I’m [full name], 35, about 5’7, 150 lbs., kind of chinito, very decent person, easy to get along with, good conversationalist, can make you at ease in less than 30 seconds even when you meet him for the first time…about the sensual stuff : well, modesty aside, I do know how to please a woman in the sack. As in really please her any way she likes, no matter how long she likes it, and how many times she wants it per occasion. I guess I have all kinds of stamina and desire and passion when it comes to that.

So how about we throw caution to the wind and explore what is there in store for us? We have nothing to lose but the time and effort to at least see what is there, right? At the very least, you can gain a friend, right? (even if that ends up as just the platonic variety…)

If you are interested, you can write me at [e-mail address] or reach me through [cellphone number]. I can only be reached through my cellphone from Mondays to Fridays, office hours, for obvious reasons. I leave it at the office when I go home

Of course, if you are not interested, just ignoring this message is a clear enough message. So you need not lift a finger and reply in the negative.

I asked him why he felt compelled to stay in the relationship if he wasn’t happy. He replied that it’s because he and his girlfriend have kids and he wants them to have “a normal family life at least during their formative years.” He said he was “making a personal sacrifice” by seeking liaisons outside of his relationship instead of just breaking it off. In which regard he hoped I was “open to explore a mutually gratifying relationship, however possible.”

As noble as I’m sure he thinks that is, IMHO he’s not really doing anyone any favors. He’s not being fair to himself, his girlfriend or the women he’ll be pursuing. He can still be a responsible father to his children without maintaining the relationship charade with their mother. Sounds to me like he’s just too spineless to break it off.

Of course, I don’t even know this guy and it’s not my place to judge. It’s just for some reason his predicament bothers me more than the fact that he propositioned me. He came off as kind of sleazy but unlike most of the guys who hit on me this way, I think he’s sincerely looking for more than just sex.

To whom it may concern:

I am not “taken”. Alien abductees are taken. Occupied seats are taken. Exams and medication are taken. I am dating someone.

I am not “attached”. Conjoined twins are attached. Malignant growths are attached. I am committed.

I am not “unavailable”. ATMs and cellular networks are unavailable. I am in a relationship.

Thank you for your kind attention.

There are many good reasons to remain single. Defiance of good grooming and personal hygiene is not among them.